What not to do unless you want to have some fun
by Sheyrena Wyrsabane
Summary: SHIELD decides to use video footage of Tony's shenanigans such as constantly ending up in bed with a villain as a What Not To Do manual for the Avengers Initiative. Thor gets to rage about family honor. Just some mindless fun.


"I regret that this meeting even ever had to take place," Fury said, addressing the Avengers with his hands clasped firmly behind his back. "I wish that all of you were mature, responsible adults, but clearly that is not the case."

"Oh stop with your passive aggressive melodramatics and get to the fun," Tony said, grinning at the harsh glare Fury sent him. Tony was sitting at the end of the table, his feet propped up on the newly cleaned glass, a bag of popcorn sitting on his lap.

Even for Tony, this was a blatant disregard for authority, and Steve shifted uncomfortably in his seat, hoping there wasn't going to be a showdown between Fury and Tony. He hated conflict, a peculiar position for a superhero, and his life seemed full of it lately.

The villains they'd been fighting had been very low-key, nothing on as grand a scale as world domination since Loki, and apparently Tony had been getting bored, because he'd been instigating fights with Fury at least once a week.

"This," Fury said, pounding the play button on his remote, "is a slide show to remind you of the rules regarding treatment of villains. Rule number one, do not let them get too close, because they are manipulative and may try to turn you against the team."

Rule number one flashed white against a dark green background, and Tony smirked as the screen gave way to video footage from his bedroom. Fury frowned and started frantically hitting the stop button as the camera zoomed in on Tony's bed.

"It won't work," Tony said as Loki appeared, as if by magic, at Tony's side in the film. "Your computers are surprisingly easy to hack, and you have an excessive amount of footage of me having sex stored in your database."

"Is that?" Thor began, horrified as Loki tapped Tony on the shoulder. Tony turned, a smirk tugging at his lips as he took in the god in his bed, before pulling Loki on top of him.

"It is!" Thor shouted, leaping to his feet. "You have brought dishonor upon my house."

"Calm down, big guy," Tony said. "I can assure you that neither Loki nor I dishonored anyone with this performance."

He winked at Thor, just to get Thor's blood boiling a little bit more, and Steve reached a hand out to restrain the thunder god.

"He's just trying to get under your skin," Steve said. "Ignore him."

"He has bedded my brother." Thor collapsed in his chair, shocked. "Why would my brother do such a thing?"

"Watch and see," Tony said, smirking as he threw a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

On screen, Loki and Tony were rapidly losing clothing, and Thor vaulted across the room and planted his body firmly in front of the TV as Loki started to shimmy out of his pants.

"I will not let my brother's honor be further compromised. You must all stop viewing immediately!"

"You should be threatening Fury, not us," Tony said. "I mean, I've seen it up close and personal so I don't need to see it on the screen, but the videos have way more hits than strictly necessary. Especially the ones where Loki clones himself." Tony leveled a challenging look at Fury. "Those part of your personal collection?"

Fury opened his mouth to deny the accusation, but before he could say anything, Thor had lifted him up with one hand and began shaking him. "You will delete this footage, and you will unsee all images of my brother disrobed or I will destroy everything you and every piece of technology SHIELD possesses, do you understand me?"

Tony grinned and leaned back in his chair, very satisfied with himself. Thor's threats ought to keep Fury distracted for a good two weeks which freed Tony's schedule up for a few more late night rendezvous. Tuesday night was always Loki night, but that still left six nights to be filled.

He clicked on his Sleep With All the Villains! app on his phone and scrolled through who was still on the list. The Taskmaster hadn't been checked off yet, and Tony pulled up a quick bio. He could replicate the movement, fighting style, and combat traits of anyone he extensively studied. That certainly held possibilities.

Convinced that no one would notice if he left, Tony headed out of the SHIELD building to make a phone call.


End file.
